Gateway 2000
our first computer
came in a big box
that looked like a cow
like a computer disguised as a cow
a computer harvested from a farm
I guess it was their marketing thing
it was supposed to be the computer of future back then
the name was even futuristic
Gateway 2000
it was like Christmas 1994
we also got an Encarta ’95 encyclopedia CD-ROM
what even was time back then
we also got a chess game and a golf game and a skiing game
there was also a fighter jet game that made flying stealth fighter jets
seem very boring
until you were pelted with missiles
and you exploded
I mostly played the chess game
the CPU was named Ziggurat
in the beginning I liked Ziggurat
because on the Beginner level I could win
and Ziggurat explained the openings
there was the Giuoco Piano, the Queen’s Pawn Gambit
the Ruy Lopez, the King’s Fianchetto
I liked the Fianchetto for its dramatic sweeping bishops
and you could even occasionally catch Ziggurat off guard on Beginner
that’s when I felt smarter than the cow computer
(and if you ever feel smarter than a computer that’s a bad sign)
(to outdo a computer with emotion is another story)
after a few weeks on Beginner I skipped right to the Grand Master level
then Ziggurat wasn’t my chess pal anymore
Ziggurat got deadly serious
its moves were instant, efficient and played with menacing intent
it was a wolf in a cow suit in a computer suit
I never won again.
soon I switched to the golf game or searched the Encarta ’95 CD-ROM
I fell absently into a portal to infinite information
I searched for Rutherford B. Hayes because my dad’s mom’s like great- great-grandmother
was Lucy Ware Hayes, the First Lady
they called her Lemonade Lucy, I think it was because she liked lemonade and hated alcohol
I liked lemonade and hated alcohol too, but I was like 10
the article on Rutherford B. Hayes said he was considered an average president
it seemed weird to me that a president could just be considered average, but I was like 10
I wondered if being related to a president made me anything special
but no I was not anything special
I wondered who the last president would be, probably nobody that special
the last man on earth
might not be all that great either
(I wonder when men will stop
needing someone to tell them what to want and to do)
I wanted a lemonade and I was bored of Rutherford
I played the skiing game
the skiing game started slow and got faster as you slalomed further
down the slope and you could jump on the jumps and do tricks
like flipping through space
until a big furry monster inevitably gobbled you up
then that was the end
the randomness of the ending bothered me, but I was like 10
then like a bunch of years went by
ok
then I was in college and tripping on psilocybin
absently accessing a portal to ancient info
I was alone
and I had my head on my pillow
and my head was like exploding onto my pillow, but, like sweetly and softly exploding
and everything was a pale purple
a white and black pyramid grew out of my brain
and it kept adding levels and levels and
anxious levels
and I knew it was Ziggurat
a wolf dressed like computer dressed like a mushroom growing
from inside cow shit (my brain)
and I still sucked at chess
and Ziggurat was probably like three moves away from
gobbling me up furry monster-style
checkmate
but it was different now
it was cool
because I could just open
my eyes whenever
and everything would disappear
and I could just keep flipping through space
just like this
until
the end
The Paranormal Enthusiast Frat Boy Sees a Ghost Palindrome
Bro! Orb!
A Disembodied Voice Makes a Command Regarding Muffins (chill out mix)
I stopped at the grocery store late one night
And I heard a computerized female voice say:
Enter your muffins.
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