“The Biggest Douchebag In The World” by Jon Berger

I was at this hipster bar in Detroit

I have this special power
random people give me free food

This lady I was sitting next to at the bar ordered chili cheese fries
She did not seem like someone who ordered chili cheese fries.
She looked to be around 40 and took care of herself
perfect white teeth
She asked me if I wanted some of the fries

I said yes and she asked the bartender for another fork.
She asked if it was weird sharing her food with me

My friend and I laughed and said it happens all the time.

The fries between us. I poked them with a fork and took a bite.
Got drunker
talked

in walks the biggest douche bag in the world
Alone, wearing designer clothes and a big diamond watch

The biggest douchebag in the world sat up at the bar next to my friend.
ordered wine, asked a bunch of questions about the year of the bottle and shit

he worked his way into our conversation
And once that happened the conversation was only about the biggest douche bag in the world

He told us he went to Africa and started his own mining company
He wanted to impress us
The mine collapsed and 50 workers died
He had to flee Africa and lost a bunch of money
He was upset about lost money
He really wanted us to know how upset he was

We all just nodded along
But I couldn’t anymore
I said, “man, yer like the biggest douchebag in the world.”

My friend slapped his hand on the bar counter and tossed his head back laughing
The lady giving me food giggled
The bartender bent over, covered her mouth, her hair drooping over her face, she twirled around and quickly walked away

“What did you say?” said the biggest douchebag in the world.
I repeated with a dead stare, “I said you are the biggest douchebag in the world.”

His face got red.

not impressive

“what … you can’t say that to me.”

I took a big drink of my beer then said, “yup, sure can. Just did.”

I ate more fries
I closed my eyes

The fries hit good with spices. The cheese so gooey and warm
The beer so cold
Tasting like exotic berries

I knew I would never drink this beer again
I did not know what kind of beer it was.
I don’t know anything
And
never will

My brain swam in the warm electric pool of an afterglow acid tab
Smiling mermaids as brain cells
Don’t bother me

“You can’t talk to me like that. You need to show some respect.”
Oh
I’d forgotten about the biggest douchebag in the world.
I opened my eyes
Turned to him
“Bro, nobody cares about your problems. Get the fuck away from us.”

It got quiet.

The biggest douchebag in the world left without finishing his wine

The chili cheese fries were gone now

The lady next to me put her hand on my shoulder
I felt the tips of her nails softly pressing into my skin.
she asked if I wanted to try the mac & cheese next
I did


No call, no show.

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