Shia Labeouf will play me in the biopic about my life and he’ll fucking nail it
Loitering in the cologne
section of Walgreens,
pouring every bottle of
Davidoff Cool Water
over my head,
screaming at the manager
about how unfairly I’m treated
on Goodreads
will be my rise to stardom.
you can’t cancel me if it was a good joke
in 8th grade I got suspended
for pretending to jerk off
with a stick
during P.E.
I lied and said
I didn’t do it
my mom went to the office
defended me
told the P.E. teacher off
twenty-five years later
this is my official confession
I’m sorry for everyone I hurt
but that shit was funny as hell lolz
Jake the Snake’s King Cobra is me and I am it
A lady at work yelled at me today because something wasn’t done when she wanted it done but it was her fault because she had the audacity to give a shit and make demands and strive for excellence and try.
As she’s going on and on I’m thinking about Jake the Snake’s king motherfucking cobra gnawing on Macho Man Randy Savage’s arm. I’m thinking about how it had no fangs, no venom, no real danger, but still scared the shit outta everyone, put on a hell of a good show. I wanna go rip my own teeth out, go bald and cover myself in mud and shit, hop back on my Zoom call, smile wide and display the gaping holes all inside my mouth, blood dripping down my chin, down my chest, smear it all over the camera.
How can I help you today?
D.T. Robbins has work in Hobart, Maudlin House, X-R-A-Y, HAD, Expat, and others. He’s founding editor of Rejection Letters.
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